Tonight I feel...

Tonight I feel like the last person standing after a war. The only sane one in the room. And after writing that I can't help but think: how emo! That was the equivalent to a childish whine, "no one understands me!" Crisis averted by my inner wit.

Tonight I feel like there are a lot of stupid people out there, and all of the smart ones are incommunicado, or maybe can only be reached by ham radio, which I don't know how to operate.

Tonight I feel cabin fever crawling up my legs, my back, and through my scalp, like the flesh-eating red ants in the latest Indiana Jones flick.

Tonight I feel frustrated that everyone that I want to talk to, to take comfort in, all the people that I call to get a lift from a funky mood, or a fresh perspective on my dreary circumstances seems to be living a more interesting and fulfilling life and is unable to be reached at this time. I hang up before I can leave a message. I don't want to say something that I will regret, or be unwilling to clarify or discuss tomorrow.

Tonight I feel angry and ashamed of my unwavering penchant for comparing myself to others and envying their accomplishments. However short I may have fallen, or short-sighted I may be to do it, it's like I can't stop. I am certain this isn't why Facebook was created!

Tonight I feel like I am on a giant wheel of fortune, and I keep landing on bankrupt and losing my effing turn. This game is rigged!


Tonight I feel like human nature is a dark thing, and no one does the right thing anymore. An example: I think that HRC is "suspending her campaign" instead of conceding because she plans to wait in the wings in case "something happens" to Barack Obama. It's not too far a stretch for me tonight, especially in light of her bizarre and malevolent statements about Bobby Kennedy's assassination a few short weeks ago. All the evil conspiracies seems totally plausible tonight.

Tonight I wish it were the future. The place where this is a fuzzy memory, chucked into the bucket of melodrama, of bored self-indulgence. The time where my life is so full that there is no room to remember these times as anything other than the desert journey toward an oasis destination. And it would also be cool if Barack Obama were president at that time....

Tonight, I see, will be tomorrow in a matter of minutes. Although not far enough in the future to forget tonight, it is better than nothing.

Post Theme: Sometimes by Bilal

Blown Away... A week's recap

Boy have I been neglecting the blog... can't believe it's been a whole week! It hasn't been a particularly good week either, so there really is no excuse...

Last weekend: My brothers girlfriend (read: almost fiancee) came to town for a visit. I know that I said that I would be hard and fierce, but I can't help it -- I love her! So it was a lot of fun. Plus, she's become a friend, and I have a real dearth of those around here. I mostly live my life by teleconference these days, and for an extroverted people person like me, this is a travesty. Lots of fellowship and good eatin' ensued, and I needed that, because last Friday I got some horrible news from a place that I was interviewing with. Out of nowhere in particular, the head guy decided to put the position "on hold". This is what I was told, curtly and unapologetically, by the person that I interviewed with when I followed up. Frankly, this devastated me, because I had been certain that I was at least going to have two additional interviews.

Monday: Nothing much happened. I was pretty busy buying time until Wed, when my friend and I were meeting up in New Orleans. She was flying into town for a conference from LA, and I was making the hour plus drive from the Coast. We were planning to have dinner, go out dancing, and then stay up all night! I know, I know, who convinced us we could relive a night during freshman year? All I can say in my defense is that this friend does that to me. She's so high energy, and when I'm around her she takes me right up there with her! I also had a big breakthrough on the aforementioned job. I found someone in my network who could make a call on my behalf, and find out what was going on at this company, and why things got so weird. This was big news!

Tuesday: I made the call in the morning, spoke with my guy, and he promised he could help and that I could expect to hear back by the end of the week. That done, I twiddled my thumbs and did a lot of waiting.

Wednesday: Yay! Fun Day! I heard from my guy, pretty much first thing, and he was able to speak with the hiring manager at the company in question. I found out many surprising things, the most surprising of which is that my candidacy was never brought to his attention! My resume, recommendation letter, and hour and a half of first interview were headed to the Mariana Trench! It was only my sudden and fierce determination to NOT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER that saved it, and me, from being lost. I am not sure what is going to happen with this, but I do know that I WILL drive this candidacy to completion, whatever that completion may be.

I went to New Orleans. I hung out with my aunt a bit. I met up with my friend. We had a fun dinner, but I didn't stay the night, because her conference turned out to a be a disaster! It was a conference for HIGH SCHOOLERS and she was a COUNSELOR! How could she not tell me that! It was awful, and my summer camp worker days are over, so I high-tailed it out of there. But not before I got a friggin ticket on my car! I can't afford to pay shit like that! I was mad.

Let's see, what else? Oh yeah... a lot happened on Wednesday. Snapshots: someone slammed the phone down in my face. The wind was so high it almost blew my car off the overpass. It also almost blew my aunt's weave off (mine is sewn in, so no worries:). I tried my first banana daquiri. I actually had three daquiris total. I got chased out of a cultural arts center by some Afrocentric granola-type sentries. I saw Brian J. White walking down the street. I danced salsa on the street. I almost talked my way into the Chrisette Michelle concert at the House of Blues for free. I got my intelligence insulted by a gay guy on the phone (not sure anything is more humiliating). I saw a fat girl in high heels trying to walk on the cobblestones (made for laughter). I chatted up the cuties at the concierge desk at the W hotel. A NOPD officer seated me at Mother's, where I almost ate dinner. I actually had a Cafe Maspero's burger at the bar.

Can't you see why I love my New Orleans? All that stuff can only happen in the greatest city ever!!

Thursday: Back to boring. I spent the whole day in bed feeling crappy. What the hell, right? It's not like I have a job to run to. I got my first of many hate mail letters from American Express. I did find out that I've lost weight, which is uplifting. I also renewed my commitment to eat right and follow the rules. Barack Obama rocked my world on Larry King, and I think he is emerging victorious on this Reverend Wright thing. His speech on race let 'em know, and I like how he's gone on the offensive as far as foreign policy and experience is concerned. I know what Obama's doing, but I don't know what Hillary is doing right now. I think she's laying low and hoping that Rev. Wright does her dirty work for him.

Friday: Well, that's today, and it officially hasn't happened yet. I think I'm all caught up!

Post Theme: Champion by Kanye West

Celebrity Deathmatch: Racism vs. Feminism

Ferrara can't help herself; she's tangled in the clotheslines of bitter, vintage feminism, baby boomer era deep-seated racial resentment, and the White man's business-as-usual double standard. It's a psychotic cat's cradle that allows one to delude oneself into believing that no matter what a person does, regardless of the outcome, whether soaring achievement or complete failure, the reason is race. It is the existential antithesis: you are nothing but your blackness (smirk, smirk). Embittered by the failures of feminism, and the pressures of being a woman in politics, she is angry that a Black man will snatch away the pinnacle of feminist achievement: the presidency. In her untouchable, bourgeois, whitey arrogance she refuses to recant. Even getting so hysterical (yes, I understand the snub) as to face the challenge by implying that she is a victim of "the race card" too, that she is being attacked because she is white. Sorry to inform that no, she's not being railroaded as a woman, she's being attacked because she is a deluded psycho, implying that being black in America is a cool fad, easy, or lucky, that there is an affirmative action effect. I missed the memo, the transition... here I was thinking that life is hard and even harder as a black person, and the whole time Obama is sliding down an easy shute to the Oval Office like a diseased cow in a meat packing plant! Thanks for the heads up, Geraldine!

I laugh uproariously at the image of white people as bugs mesmerized by Obama's brown-skinned "bug light" effect. There's a lot of stuff white people like, but black people in power is not one of them (so far). You lose... good thing you quit Clinton's campaign before she had to "denounce and reject you"! Too bad, so sad. Now go sit your ass down and think about what you've done!

This is why black women have always struggled as feminists; it all breaks down because there is the tension of competing and conflicting interests. Our feminism is often restricted to within the race or subjugated altogether in many cases, ostensibly for "the good of the race" philosophy with which we are so often socialized. I have mixed feelings about this, but mostly I just have to accept it, and it's work within me. I feel it keenly when I read and see this. I admire HRC and Geraldine Ferrara for representing the fierce competency of women, and the successful and skilled power brokering and politicking that we can do. Yes, they've paved a way. But I cannot accept or allow that respect to deafen my ears to racially charged statements and behavior. The facts say it all. Sad to say, but Callejo and Ferrara have said the most racists things in the campaign to date, not some white guy. Something to think about!

Post Theme: Hate On Me by Jill Scott

I'm So Excited!

Break out the 80's music! I am so excited and full of energy that I hardly slept last night or the night before! I mean I'm really soaring...it's some combination of nervous energy, excitement, and endorphins (since I went walking this morning at 5:45 am). It's the kind of thing where you jump on the bed, or run out into a hard rain yelling Shazam! The feeling of invincibility is a welcome change, believe you me!

I've been laying low because I didn't want to over think it any more than I usually do, and therefore jinx it, but I had my first face to face interview in 6 months yesterday, and it went swimmingly. No details here, but I am moving on in the interview process and think that I just may have found something even better than I job I can tolerate -- I THINK THAT I'VE FOUND MY DREAM JOB, IN MY HOMETOWN!!

Do you know what this means?!? It means an end to my crisis of faith, an end to placing fear-inspired limitations on God or myself. It also means an end to the unending, foggy valley that was my mid-20's. Talk about your quarter-life crisis! I can live EXACTLY where I want to, how I want to. In other words, I am perilously close to getting my heart's desire. Hosanna!

In other news...I volunteered for the Obama campaign and he won MS last night! Another reason for shouting out (it's moments like this that I miss my giant trampoline)! You da man, B!

Also, I am hysterical with ironic, maniacal laughter at this whole NY governor situation. Methinks it was a case where he doth protest too much against hookers! The guy is the main prosecutor of prostitution rings and then leaves a neon-glowing money trail back to himself! And then the main pimp daddy running the whole biz is an IRS official! So that's why he never thought he'd get caught...it never fails to amaze me. I also can't help noticing that this scandal broke in NY, where HRC is "from".... where there's smoke there's fire. *rude snicker* It's about as much to go on as they have on Obama, and I think turnabout is fair play. I can see the mudslinging posters now: pix of Hillary shaking hands with Gov. Spitzer while Bill Clinton slides his hand up some intern's skirt in the background. The slogan at the bottom reads... "WTF?!?!" Then she can spend lots of valuable campaigning time explaining away the behavior of unfortunate acquaintances in an attempt to dispel the ludicrous and vague aura of guilt and scandal that she finds herself surrounded in. I can see the email chain letters now: don't vote for Hillary, she hangs with philanderers and whore mongers. And she's got a black person somewhere in her family tree; she will have to be sworn in singing Lift Every Voice and Sing instead of The Star Spangled Banner. People would totally believe it, too.

Post Theme: Neutron Dance by the Pointer Sisters

Laundry List

I'd just like to say right off that I'm totally over myself today, so no worries about encountering another sniveling whinefest post ala yesterday. You can exhale now.

Some random observations:

1) It's cold here -- I'm still using the electric blanket. It might sound unreasonable to complain, but this is the Deep South! I haven't been able to feel my toes all week, and I never realized how attached to them I was until they "disappeared".

2) I've noticed the gloves have really come off with the attacks on Obama. The ugly, ignorant, racist, and xenophobic underbelly of our American compatriots is becoming obvious. It really steams my clams to say the least. Little puffs of steam leave my ears when I think about it, because these very fundamental ideologies, made up of generalizations, stereotypes, and outright untruths, build one on another like a really effed up game of jenga. It's why our situation is so shaky. One minute we are a country proudly embarking on a historical presidential term (IT WILL BE EITHER A WOMAN OR A BLACK MAN) and the next we are "maligning" a person by using their middle name and digging up pictures of them dressed in native costumes. This "proof" only speaks to the suspicious and ignorant mind. The fact that it speaks at all is reason to educate, educate, educate!

3) Another thing about that... I see accusations of the media unfairly supporting Obama and cracking down on HRC and McCain. This seems to be primarily based on the fact that there have been no past issues of concern being released. Allow me to be Captain Obvious and say that just because there is no major issue as yet, does not mean there has not been an ardent search for one. I mean, anytime Barack's kindergarten paper is quoted to prove his intention to be president, people are digging. It's not that I mean to imply that there are none, but what if no one found anything? It would be scary, because it would be the most powerful and eloquent statement against politics as usual for this generation. Think on it.

4)Have you seen the video of the bus fight between some students and the driver that hit the news today? It made me mad just watching it. Mad enough to fight. Which is why I could never be a teacher in the school system, and I don't like to work with large groups of kids, despite the masses of people who press me to change careers in that direction. "You're amazing with kids" they say. "The youth need people like you" they say. I agree. But I also know that it's a pressure cooker of a thankless job, where I would be fired at the least and jailed at the most, because I do not like to be censored, questioned on my methods, or to follow rules. I also have a zero tolerance policy on disrespect. I threaten (they're actually more like promises) and I will also beat a teen down. And so you see, you don't want me in the classroom. I would be terrible with parents, as I lack finesse to deal with difficult or disengaged ones. I would be a disaster. I'm a rock star tutor though (one on one is totally different). Suffice it to say that little Courtney Love in the vid would have been injured. Badly.

5) A friend of mine is dealing with a international adoption. It pisses me off that it's so easy to kidnap, abuse, enslave, prostitute, kill, sell, starve, and mutilate children all over the world. They are made into prostitutes and soldiers every day, bartered and spent like paper money. It's so easy. No permission needed, no process followed, no law enforced. Even American children are not completely safe from this. Yet it's so hard to take one in, raise one, protect one, love one. It takes international lawyers, spectacular diplomacy, bribes, fees, cash, and a whole lot of patience to adopt. It's unfair to say the least. I've heard people say that a child needs to go to the right home, but really any home at all is much better than the aforementioned alternatives. What's a mother without a spouse that sometimes has trouble juggling it all compared to be living your life as someone' s property?!??! One is heaven and one is hell, the disparity is so vast.

There's nothing to be done but fall on my knees and say a prayer for her and the baby she wants to adopt, but impotent fury fills me all the same.

Post Theme: Man In the Mirror by Michael Jackson

Time to Let My Hair Down

Just a few things before I'm off to bed, since I have a big phone interview tomorrow morning...

1) First things first... my eminent hair crisis has been averted. I have consulted my war council, redistributed my very meager budget, and now have a hair strategy for the upcoming round of flights and interviews. No time to deal with bad hair days, and no chance of looking less than fabulous either. The appointment is made and my stylist is a life saver!!!

I will go from this... To This!










All thanks for this miraculous transformation go to my stylist, The Joan, without whom public interactions would not be possible, let alone interviews. It's technically civically irresponsible to be seen like this, so it's actually my duty as an American to have this taken care of. Congratulate me. No wait... just doing my job, folks. *shy grin, awkward chuckle*




2) Speaking of hairy, I watched the debate. I'm glad that the commentators were able to get them to pull the gloves off, even for a millisecond, because for a minute there I thought Obama and Clinton were going to play footsie the whole time, patting each other on the back and agreeing with each other's arguments. Obama was a cool cat, standing on the higher ground of his lead, and making HRC look petty for her plagiarism accusations. I felt vindicated when she sniped on him with that "change we can xerox" comment to a chorus of boos. I only wish the camera would have panned to the audience. All that was missing was shaking heads, fists, and furrowed brows. All in all, the debate was a dud for Clinton's camp -- no foothold in the race to lead again. The upcoming primaries are locked in a dead heat and that's that.

2) Stanford rocks! I saw the announcement today that Stanford is leading the pack for endowment funding reform by pledging to use a larger of percentage of it to subsidize its students. It will no longer charge tuition for students with a combined income of 100K a year or less, and no room and board charge for 60K or less in addition to an overall increase in financial aid across the board. Since Stanford has a huge endowment, but still trails Harvard and Yale, I do hope that their actions spur the ivy league to take a look at what they can shuffle around. At best, it could lead to a sweeping reform to make any college a feasible choice for any student that wishes to attend. It's too late for me, but at least someone will benefit! Go Card!

'Ahem': Needless to say, I will be actually opening and reading those fund raising letters that I get from The Stanford Fund from now on. I'm behind any school that pioneers a significant lowering of secondary education costs, especially my own alma matter!

That's it for tonight... getting my beauty rest so that I can knock their socks off tomorrow. Maybe I'll get a job offer before I even get off the phone!!

Post Theme: I Am Not My Hair by India.arie

Am I High?

I've been in a weird, psychadelic place today. Is this what magic mushrooms make you feel like? I've been giddy since I took a benadryl in response to an allergic reaction brought on by a sinister, though innocuous, english muffin. Imagine my surprise that there were walnuts listed in the ingredients! All of a sudden that "health nut" label took on a new meaning. What was once a cheery encouragement became a dire advertisement: WARNING! POISON INSIDE.

Ever since then, I've been staggering around, eyes too bright, slurring my words, and nursing a champagne headache without the bubbly stuff, not to mention the three and a half hour mandatory nap that ensued once the medicine kicked in. How can a little dissolving film strip, pretty much an identical sensory experience as a breath mint, cause so much trouble? If I had been operating heavy machinery today, I might have been killed. As it were, other hijinx ensued.

I opened a can of evaporated milk today, fresh purchased from the store. It wasn't until a few disgusting sour clumps plopped onto my special k that I realized it was completely sour. When does that happen?! The whole point of it being evaporated and sealed in a can is to preserve the damn milk! The answer: NEVER. Further proof of a world gone sideways. (You have to be good at reading the signs)

I sat down to watch the end of Larry King and some of 360 with Anderson Cooper, and that's when I really knew I was on the other side of the looking glass: the "mudslinging" in the democratic primary resembles nothing so much as toddlers rolling around in the sandbox. The accusation of plagiarism by Hillary Clinton is both laughable and pitiful. McCain made the unbelievable gaffe of saying "no new taxes" while simultaneously accepting George Bush's endorsement (for someone calling themselves most experienced, he's acting like a rookie). Michelle Obama, feted as God's gift to the position of first lady, is now being attacked on her patriotism. What a wild ride! Someone get me off this merry-go-round before I'm sick!

As I sit before this glowing screen in the dark, blood rushes sluggishly through my body and my tongue feels thick. I am floating through en ephemeral brain fog of the mind. I know my eyes are rolling around in my head, and I am joyfully anticipating the landscape of dreams to follow my head hitting the pillow. There's a perfectly good explanation for all of this -- it's the drugs. But it feels like life. Bring on tomorrow.

Post Theme: Then I Got High by Afroman

Rooting for the Underdog

Have no fear, underdog is here! It seems like 2008 just may turn out to be the year of the underdog. I can't help but note two fine, recent examples: Uno the beagle, winner of this year's Westminster Dog Competition, and my favorite candidate, Barack Obama. Both of them have recently raised eyebrows and blown up skirts by leading the pack and whipping the competition's ass, giving a big leg up to "lesser breeds". Their glossy coats, smooth lines, proud stride, and high energy win best in show hands down!

It's so awesome to see the momentum behind Obama's campaign increasing, restoring my faith in Americans as a thinking people!! Could it be that we are disengaging from celebrity gossip, red carpet reviews, and reality tv long enough to turn our attention to the political race of the century? And not a moment too soon. I thought it was the method of the Republicans to steal an election, but apparently not -- recently the Clinton Campaign has made great strides, with the current debacle over Michigan and Florida's delegates and their right to representation at the coming Democratic National Convention. Better pay close attention, America!

I know personally I'd better the see the vote of the American populace count for something, and not be superceded, overruled, or countermanded by some damn superdelegate. What the hell does that even mean? Are you telling me that in the end, my vote doesn't count for anything? We shake our heads in pity at how corrupt and devious other countries' elections are, and the whole time ours are just as rigged, full of rules and contingencies -- a veritable insurance policy against a straight up race for the popular vote. God forbid if the people actually decided free and clear who our leader should be!

And yet... there is hope. Uno and Obama are showing us that all too often there is nothing common about a common breed, whether man or animal. I look forward to the debate next week (nothing more than another type of dog show if you ask me). I'm anxiously anticipating the details for these plans of change that are being promised by all the candidates. I can't help but love watching Hillary, who started off as top dog, bugging out at her losses, pinning her win on the state of Texas, and slinging the first mud in the race.

It is said that no matter who wins these next states, this race for the nomination will be a real prizefight (or should I say dogfight). Some speculate that in the dust cloud of flying fists, McCain could run away with the presidential office. I say that fate couldn't be so cruel as to send Bush III into the fray. I'm rooting for the underdog!

Post Theme: Atomic Dog, by George Clinton and the P-funk Allstars

It's Official! Yes We Can

Why does it seem like my life, as insignificant as it may be on a global scale, is so reflective of our current times? It seems like at this juncture, I am continually skating a cliff side road bordered on crisis. Is the same not true, with our nation, our world? During these times, I know that God is sovereign, but it doesn't stop the maelstrom of thoughts in my head. I am reminded that the Chinese character for crisis is also the one for opportunity. (I'm not even sure that's really true, as I don't read Chinese, but there's something so poignant and wise about it that it doesn't even matter.) And I am comforted by the quiet still voice in my own spirit that rarely speaks, but was heard to say a few weeks earlier: "THIS IS YOUR YEAR." (How does it seem to scream yet be so quiet? That's the nature of God. Simple, yet divinely complex in His simplicity.)

And so, to the American nation, I say: I can't help believe with rising certainty, that this is our year.



I read a great article that started all this called Why Obama Matters. It was a link from a friend's status message on Gmail. A friend that I will always be grateful to. I, like so many in the nation, feel really disenfranchised. It could be a youthful, generation Y thing, but I don't think so. I think that the current government that we live under is non-reflective of the real country in which we live. I believe that it's current voice is not my voice, not our voice, and that we are under-represented. After all, what's the alternative? To believe the opposite? That's enough to send me emigrating to Canada for certain, no joke. If I imagined myself for one minute, even in Mississippi, which I believe to be the very bowels of America, to be surrounded by the kind of smug, supercilious ignorance, and fundamental disregard of human dignity that I see (and hear) every time I watch our leaders on television, I would WALK until I got away from it. No matter how long it took. I would take a Rabbit Proof Fence walk, people. I might end up in Asia. I say all this to say that I was not paying attention to the upcoming presidential election, certain of a few things:
1) that the current dissatisfaction that people are expressing would lead to the certainty of Democrat in office.

2) that I would be picking the Democratic ticket.

3) that therefore my candidate would win.

4) that Hillary Clinton is an equal choice to Obama.

5) that having either a "first woman president" or a "first black president" is enough to prove our desire to progress and our willingness to do so.

All of these are wrong assumptions, and dumb too. Read them carefully and you'll see the problem. These assumptions are ignorant and born of apathy and laziness! (Yeah, I can be really tough on myself can't I?) I was thinking these things because it was the easiest thing for me to do: wait on the world to change while doing nothing to change it, certain that it won't really change and ready to be "surprised" and disappointed. I'm glad that I got shocked out of this, and that I am now rallying. If you change nothing, then nothing changes! (That sounds really good, so I know I couldn't have just made that up...anybody know where that's from originally?)

Recently, there have been some changes in my mindset. I have been convinced over the past few weeks that we need Obama and the grassroots, radical can-do ideas he represents. I am convinced he is the best presidential candidate, bar none. I am convinced that we need out of the baby boomer cultural identity confusion that has been driving our political dialogue and disagreements. I am convinced that the next president needs to be "free" in a way that no one else is. We need no pre-established political machinery, no network of secret contacts, lobbies, and scorecards of favors owed and favors due. I am convinced we need to do immediate and effective diplomatic damage control in our relationships with other nations. We also need a shocking, undeniable statement of our LACK of racist, religious, and/or sectarian agenda (even if that's not exactly true... yet). What better way than a black man with a Muslim name? Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to reduce Obama to only that, although God knows he must be used to it and get it a lot as do I as a black woman in America. I just mean that he is refreshing: the face, the name, the family, the religious outlook, the policies, the lack of scandal, the prospective plans. THE POTENTIAL. THE HOPE.

As I walk towards a time of triumph and radical change in my personal life, I pray that my country would too. I know that I am on my way out of a valley, and We, the People, can and should do the same. Get out and vote, and make it happen. Barack the Vote, 2008!