Hello Again...

Hello again. I've been in a very reflective mood lately, traveling back in my mind to various "eras" in my admittedly short, but full life, and examining the curving road that has led to my current situation and the person that I have become. I've done a lot so far, although I must admit that I mostly think only of the things I missed, or could have done better. Even so, I like the person I am, the person I've become, and I couldn't be that without all the friends along the way. You can learn, grow, and blossom so much from the people you come to know while living your life. Collecting friends and nurturing relationships with others is a huge priority for me. Whenever I lose touch with a true friend, it never leaves me. Inevitably at some point I think of them, wonder where they are, what they're doing, and make an attempt to contact them with a simple hello again.

Over the past few days I've made contact with some old friends through the internet -- alumni websites, facebook...even google. I'm surprised at my success, and surprised at my technologically impaired attitude as well. I could have searched long ago! I guess that with life as slow as it is now, I would connect the dots eventually. It's nice to say hello again.

One friend I found from ten years ago, a guy, has come out and is in a relationship (his boyfriend is hot!). They seem happy, with pics of tropical vacations and huge grins on their facebook pages. Only thing is, I can't help but be disappointed; in my tender, untried, 16 year old heart, our friendship might as well have been a grand passion, with him cast as Triston and me Isolde. It was a courtly love; we shared doubled stuffed oreos and he gave spine tingling foot rubs. Although nothing ever really happened between us, he always held a special place in my heart reserved for the sweetest, most sensitive guy. He sent me flowers on my birthday; we spent hours on the phone pining for each other. What does that all mean now? Suddenly those feelings are one-sided and foolish, and I can't help feeling bitter about it. This always happens to me. Guys that get past my new millenium titanium defenses, my weapons-grade plutonium level self preservation instinct, ones that I genuinely feel for, no matter how innocently, turn out to be bad choices for one reason or another. In my entire history, I've never crushed on a guy without feeling like a fool (or worse looking like one) later. It may take years, but inevitably I will be made a clown. This could be positive however. When I finally do find "the one", there will be no ghosts in my head. I am truly free to love!

I also reconnected with someone dear to me this evening by phone; it's been a year. We talked for hours, and it was great. I love that about friends; how you can reconnect after a long time and simply start where you left off, how each friend's rhythm and conversation are different yet equally deeply satisfying, how laughing with someone you've missed is a special ecstatic release, how you smile for hours after the conversation ends. I can't get enough! Hello again.

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