Billo the Clown Raps!

Ya'll know how much I effing hate Fox News, and of course it's stupid ugly face, Bill O'Reilly (Bill oh really?, billo the clown, bill o'LIEly, etc.), hence I found this vlog by my new hero Jay Smooth @ illdoctrine.com to be beyond clever. Watch and learn, people.

They Got Me Pegged

Am I High?

I've been in a weird, psychadelic place today. Is this what magic mushrooms make you feel like? I've been giddy since I took a benadryl in response to an allergic reaction brought on by a sinister, though innocuous, english muffin. Imagine my surprise that there were walnuts listed in the ingredients! All of a sudden that "health nut" label took on a new meaning. What was once a cheery encouragement became a dire advertisement: WARNING! POISON INSIDE.

Ever since then, I've been staggering around, eyes too bright, slurring my words, and nursing a champagne headache without the bubbly stuff, not to mention the three and a half hour mandatory nap that ensued once the medicine kicked in. How can a little dissolving film strip, pretty much an identical sensory experience as a breath mint, cause so much trouble? If I had been operating heavy machinery today, I might have been killed. As it were, other hijinx ensued.

I opened a can of evaporated milk today, fresh purchased from the store. It wasn't until a few disgusting sour clumps plopped onto my special k that I realized it was completely sour. When does that happen?! The whole point of it being evaporated and sealed in a can is to preserve the damn milk! The answer: NEVER. Further proof of a world gone sideways. (You have to be good at reading the signs)

I sat down to watch the end of Larry King and some of 360 with Anderson Cooper, and that's when I really knew I was on the other side of the looking glass: the "mudslinging" in the democratic primary resembles nothing so much as toddlers rolling around in the sandbox. The accusation of plagiarism by Hillary Clinton is both laughable and pitiful. McCain made the unbelievable gaffe of saying "no new taxes" while simultaneously accepting George Bush's endorsement (for someone calling themselves most experienced, he's acting like a rookie). Michelle Obama, feted as God's gift to the position of first lady, is now being attacked on her patriotism. What a wild ride! Someone get me off this merry-go-round before I'm sick!

As I sit before this glowing screen in the dark, blood rushes sluggishly through my body and my tongue feels thick. I am floating through en ephemeral brain fog of the mind. I know my eyes are rolling around in my head, and I am joyfully anticipating the landscape of dreams to follow my head hitting the pillow. There's a perfectly good explanation for all of this -- it's the drugs. But it feels like life. Bring on tomorrow.

Post Theme: Then I Got High by Afroman

Happy Valentine's Day!

My brother's girlfriend sent me this Valentine's Day card, and it made my day! I got a mysterious red envelope in the mail yesterday, and I didn't recognize the return address. Luckily, I am not a fan of the American campaign of fear, or I might have thrown it away out of fear of anthrax! It never crossed my mind either that it could be a Valentine's Day card, because the only V-day cards I have gotten since the tear off elementary school ones are ones that my parents sent. Yep, you heard correctly. I have never been mailed a V-day card by someone not sharing 50% of my genetic code. Needless to say it couldn't be a card from my parents, since I live with them. Besides, these days everyone does e-cards and quick text messages. Even my parents sent text this year! What is the world coming to?!??! This is momentous, if for those reasons alone.

So I open the card, and there it is -- pretty much the funniest card that I have ever received! I had to hold my stomach! I was in tears. And when I got to the inside, it was over. I was no good for the rest of the day. I spent it giggling. Because the universe is against me, I was over my cell minutes for the first time in years and couldn't call anyone, but I sent mad text messages! I also spent most of the night on the phone describing the card for the masses. I am keeping this forever. How clever!

As you, astute blog reader, may have guessed this card ain't that damned funny in and of itself; it's the inside joke. Which I will now divulge because I can't help myself (I will strenuously DENY this if asked about it by any person or in any situation that makes me uncomfortable). After the Zulu ball earlier this month, I went to sleep and had a slutty dream (and that is as much as I will elaborate) about a certain underdog Presidential candidate, which I related in detail to several friends, one of whom sent me this card. Get it now? Good.

Hope your Valentine's Day is as filled with laughter as mine this year!
xoxoxo
D_Luv

PS: Starting a new blog tradition -- the blog theme song. Can't guarantee one for every post, but listening to the playlist today is a dead giveaway!

Post Theme: Happy Valentine's Day by Andre 3000