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Sunday, December 28, 2008

Quote of Note

I saw this in someone's signature on Nappturality.


"Between the optimist and the pessimist, the difference is droll. The optimist sees the doughnut; the pessimist the hole."

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I am a Writer


Attention, everyone! I need to say this one more time, and never again. To all the well-meaning, amateur job/life coaches out there that think my (relative) unemployment is an unvoiced cry for their ideas and opinions:

NO, I AM NOT A SCHOOL TEACHER.
NO, I AM NOT GOING TO BECOME A SCHOOL TEACHER.
NO, I AM NOT GOING TO "THINK ABOUT IT".

YES, I KNOW I AM GOOD WITH KIDS. I LOVE KIDS.
YES, I KNOW THAT TEACHERS ARE NEEDED.
YES, I BELIEVE THAT TEACHING IS WORTHWHILE.


BUT...

I'VE HATED THE EXPERIENCE IN THE PAST.
I AM UNWILLING TO GO TO SCHOOL AGAIN.
I AM UNWILLING TO PAY FOR A SINGLE CLASS, CERTIFICATION, OR TEST WITH 85,000$ OF STUDENT LOANS TO PAY FOR THE TWO DEGREES I'VE ALREADY EARNED.

BY THE WAY.... I KNOW THERE'S A RECESSION. I DON'T CARE. I'M NOT CHANGING MY MIND ABOUT THIS.

LASTLY...

I AM A WRITER.
ANY TEACHING I DO IS INCIDENTAL, ACCIDENTAL, OR ON A VOLUNTEER BASIS.
I AM A WRITER.
THAT IS WHAT I AM. THAT IS WHAT I CHOOSE.
I AM A WRITER. PERIOD.

...AND AS AN ANONYMOUS, LONG DEAD, COLLEAGUE OF MINE ONCE WROTE:

THE END

Friday, December 19, 2008

Finish @ the starting line

I went to the local World's Gym today with friend to take a class called Turbo Kick. She's 3,000 times more fit than I am, and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up...

But I kicked ass at the class, so much so that the instructor asked me to come up and work out beside her, and people in the clas wanted to know where I taught!!! I am proud of myself, and even though right now I have a headache, I feel good.

I am taking this as confirmation that I am meant to do this, to encourage, nourish, and cultivate my athletic side. I pledge to renew my commitment to get certified in Zumba, complete the couch potato-to-5k running training I started this week, and run the Crescent City Classic in 2009. I've walked long enough... it's about time I started running!

PS: I am doing pathetic @ finishing my novel "on time" (I set a goal to be done Dec 31st with a word count of 2k/day, and have written precisely 2k since Dec 1st.) This hair obsession needs to be put away, and I need to dig in to finish my goals so that I can have something to say for myself at New Year's. Wouldn't it just be absolutely pathetic to have the exact same list of resolutions a whole 12 months later?? I refuse.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Open Letter to Amex: What more can I say?


Dear American Express (and other Bill Collectors Worldwide),

So I just got off the phone with you, and after 25 minutes of back and forth, I have one thing to ask: What more can I say to make you understand?

You know, there is something about hitting the rock bottom of powerlessness, a place where you are under no illusions about the fact that you have not the slightest, merest shred of control, that things are completely out of your hands, that you are not capable of complying with a request, no matter how reasonable, not able to make good on a debt that you owe, period. A place where shame and fear give way to boldness and baldness, like digging straight down into the earth, through the darkeness of shame, into the hot, burning, purifying core, and emerging on the other side of the world naked and uncovered, no hiding truth. That's who I am right now. That's where I am right now.

Now, as a corporation and not an individual, I know that I will not be heard. But when you hire people to call me, over and over, trained to coax/warn/threaten me into paying, you offer me a human interface to communicate with the company. Frequently, cyclically, I am telling my story to a new voice over the phone, each one completely unfamiliar with my case but for the brief preparation summary screen that their automated call center ticket system software gives (Oh, I know all about how a call center works, having worked one myself). Over and over, I confront the powerlessness not only of myself, but of the caller. Each and every one tells me that they lack the power to negotiate with me, to work with me. How dare you send them to me so un-empowered, so ill-equipped, so desensitized to humanness? What's the point? I can't be browbeaten into paying you if there is no money, and none on the way. I can't make something from nothing, and if I could force someone to hire me, we wouldn't be talking on the phone. You force me to shame myself over and over with no result, morphing my measured explanations into begging. It's impossible to forgive, and there's no place to direct my anger but an open letter that I'm sure you're not even reading.

I'd love to work together to preserve my good name. You've no right to trash it under these circumstances! Reporting to the credit agencies, selling debt to collections, and suing me are all tantamount to harassment and torture when I am completely incapable of settling even the portion of the debt you originally asked for, let alone the exhorbitant king's ransom produced by the total amount due + fees and penalties. Why single me out among the many that are suffering in today's economic crisis? As a customer in good standing for all those years, why throw away a wonderful, once healthy relationship for circumstances out of my control? Why not negotiate? Take my small, good faith offerings, and give me a responsive interface encouraging me to continue chipping away at the debt until it is all paid. That is what I'm asking for. We both want the same thing, and only you have the power to make it happen for both of us. Help me help you help me! I know with the credit crunch and the wall street instability you're probably just passing the buck, but could you at least have passed it to someone with hands? You're beating a dead horse with me. I have basic math and several physical laws, including the law of conservation of matter, on my side. I can't make 350$/mth total earnings = 450$/mth payment to Amex. If you find a way to make it work, let me know though. Until then, don't call me, I'll call you. What more can I say?

Post Theme: The Recession (Intro) by Young Jeezy

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Dying to Shout

What do you do when you can't say the thing that you really want to say because "out loud" is too public a place? When even the internet blog is too public? Inside my head isn't good enough -- nobody's listening in there but me, and I know if I could just say it, there'd be somebody out there who understood. I'm looking for a commiserative conversation here. Fruitless and futile, I know, especially when I can't talk about what I'm talking about...

I hope reading this is pissing you off and confusing you. Because then, you might get annoyed. You might even get a little frustrated. ^%$#!*$#)$%@(@&$^)$^)(@^#%$@%%$(&$^*&#%%(@%%)@&? Was that a little hard to read? Seeing a little red now? Great! Welcome to my motherf*cking world friend! Thanks for understanding.

Woo sah. Goosfrabah. Relax, relate, release. Now that you know where I'm coming from, here's a random list of things pissing me off in no particular order today:
1) Living @ home
2) Having less than a little money
3) Having a menial retail job, no healthcare, and being a part of the working poor with a Stanford education
4)Commercial Christmas decorations and pop music
5)My boss's boss has no education
6)Writer's block is closing in on me with 1/2 my novel left to complete
7)My clothes are old and out of date
8) The list of things I can't afford includes things like groceries
9)I'm having motivation problems with diet and exercise
10)The expensive hair and nail vitamin (55$ a pop) I tried gave me breakouts and set my crotch on fire (not kidding)...I did get it for free if you're wondering...
11)I may be over the weight limit for the horseback riding beach adventure I signed up for next month
12) I lack the willpower to do low carb again
13) I hate my parent's church but can't do anything about it
14) My family is all going different directions for the holidays and after Christmas I will be left alone in this house while everyone else lives their life
15) Lack of employment is forcing me to consider applying for the police department. I will have to submit to extensive background checks, polygraph, multiple interviews... but at least it's a salary + benefits
16) You probably didn't even read this far and I'm probably talking to myself

Grrrrrrr!

Post Theme: Papercut by Linkin Park

Saturday, December 13, 2008

New Hair Fotki!

I've become obsessed with my hair and all thing naptural. After three days of hair information gathering, learning, and stalking girls with fierce natural curls, I've set up a fotki to document my long journey to the African tigress mane I was born to wear. Watch me work, hey!
You can visit here.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Resilience

Been thinking a lot about this quality lately and what it really means. It's everywhere I look, hiding around every corner, breaking into my thoughts at unexpected times, even woven into the fabric of my manuscript.

Maybe, just maybe, that's what this year has been all about. As anyone that knows me knows, this year has been a train wreck for me, especially on paper. I never managed to find a job, I have less money than perhaps ever and more bills! I am 28, single, unmarried, and about as likely to do anything adult (buy a home, have good credit, date, marry, have sex, kids, etc) as your average 6th grader. Chances of that changing anytime soon? Slim to none. I've managed to finish out the year having re-gained the weight I lost, quit the job I got hired for after a month, attended 3 funerals in another month, traveled to Atlanta 4 times for my grammy, and unwillingly cut off all my hair.

But that's not how I actually feel. And that's the amazing part. Astoundingly there is happiness and joy in my life. Most importantly there is peace. God told me that I would lay aside every weight in 2008 sometime in December of 2007:

Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us...
Hebrews 12:1


I thought it was a joke, a word game, and I prayed that if it wasn't He was talking about weight loss. (Yeah, no.) I was short-sighted and simplistic. (Big surprise.) In lieu of pounds, I've lain aside huge portions of:
1) pride
2) false sense of control
3) dependence on anything but God to provide for me
4) apathy about the political process and my ability to affect change in the world
5) blocks and obstacles to my creativity and motivation for writing
6) materialism, consumer culture, and the technical imperative

Those are some pretty big weights! I still have more things to set down before I can run completely unfettered, but I am happy with this, because with each stone I set down, I get lighter and lighter, and can run faster and faster, fly higher and higher. This direction takes me so much closer to God.

The end of the year finds me still @ a crossroads in life-- that's the running with patience part-- and I am possessed of resilience, joy, peace, and a more unshakeable faith than 12 months ago. It occurs to me that these priceless lessons are taught by the experience of living. There is no class, no preparation for these tests. The test just goes on and on until you pass it. That's about as exciting as a lifelong pop bar exam, but it worketh resilience in me. Maybe this really has been the best year ever. And to God I say: "thank you.